Have you had a relationship break-up recently? Are you hurting so much it feels like the world has ended? The pain of a broken heart and a shattered dream is intense. It can be both physical and emotional. When the person you love says he/she doesn’t want to be with you any more, it feels like your life has ended.

You may be saying to yourself, “I can’t live without him (or her),” and the pain may be so intense that you feel like you are going to die. Or your sorrow may run so deep that you don’t want to keep on going; it may feel like it would be easier just to end it all. Books and movies are filled with star-crossed lovers who committed suicide because of a broken heart.

But before you write your farewell note, just remember the proverb: “This, too, shall pass.” Abraham Lincoln quoted this line during the dark days of the American Civil War to inspire war-weary citizens with hope and endurance. It was true then, and it is true today, too.

It’s a myth that you cannot live without the person you love, whether he/she has died or abandoned you. It’s not pleasant, it’s not fun, but it’s also not fatal. The pain will never go away completely, but with time it will subside.

It’s a myth that you cannot find someone else to love and care for or that you cannot find meaning and purpose in a life on your own. Sunny skies always return after dreary dark days of rain and storm.

Here’s another thing to remember, too: Many people have gotten back together with a person who broke up with them, even when it seemed impossible. There is hope for your dream being reborn after it died.

But all that is hope you can hold on to for the future. You may be saying,”I’m in the middle of this break-up and I don’t feel like I can carry on without the one I love.” What can you do here-and-now to get through these dark days? Here are some concrete suggestions. These are all things that I did after relationship break-ups (including the last one on the list).

• Talk to someone you trust to respect your feelings. It’s amazing how much  it can help just to confide in someone else and get their support and encouragement. The right person will just listen without offering advice or trying to fix your problems. Be firm and tel them what you need if they start problem-solving instead of listening.
• Keep a journal or diary. Just put your emotions into words any way you can. You need not share these writings with anyone if you don’t want to.
• Listen to sad songs or watch tear-jerker movies about people who have lost a love. They don’t have to have a happy ending–often the best songs or movies help you feel the pain that words alone cannot express. I have placed videos and lyrics of classic heartbreak songs by Elvis Presley, B.J. Thomas, Neil Sedaka and others here on this blog. If your taste is more contemporary, check out YouTube, where you can find modern sad songs songs by Britney Spears, Pink, and others.
• Express your feelings creatively. Write songs, poems, or short stories about how it feels to lose a love. Make a collage or video with images and songs or music that help you express your feelings about your relationship breakup.
• Spend time with family and friends doing something you enjoy. Avoid the temptation to pull away from your friends and meaningful activities. Go to parties, volunteer for a cause you believe in, or take walks in the park. Your life can still have joy and purpose even without the one you love.
• Seek professional help if the you have thoughts of suicide or warning signs of clinical depression. Psychotherapy may help get you through a tough time. Find a therapist you can trust and get help if you need it. Don’t know how to find the right person? Read Choosing theRight Mental Health Therapist to get started.

Here’s to you learning that you can live without the one you love, no matter how much you love him/her or how much you are hurting now. Don’t succumb to the myth that you can’t.

With love,

If you cared deeply about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, it may seem that the world came to an end when they broke up with you. Your ex seemed like the most wonderful person in the world. You may be thinking, “I’ll never find someone like that again in a million years.”Or you may even be thinking, “I’ll never find anyone again! I’m going to die an old maid (or grumpy old bachelor).” This thought makes the break-up ten times more painful.

And you’re right, too. Your ex is unique–no one elsein all the world is exactly like him or her. Every human being is unique and special,and cannot be replaced.

But you’re wrong if you tack on an extremely common follow-up thought, “I can never be happy without _______.” Stop and think about it. Many, many people have lost a special life partner but found a new love later. Not that the new lover could replace the first one–no, he or she is also unique and special in their own way. But the relationship can be replaced.

Dwelling on the thought that you absolutely must have that one certain person in your life in order to be happy can lead you to taking desperate steps to get him/her back. You may do things that are actually counter-productive in reconciling with your ex, such as apologizing profusely or constantly calling and texting them until they’re sick to death of hearing from you.

It’s a myth that you cannot be hapy unless you get back with your ex. If you don’t, you’ll grieve the loss,and it may take a long, long time. While you’re going through it, it may seem endless. But if you’re like most people, you will eventually get over it and get on with your life. You may even meet someone so special that it’ll make you wonder why you ever thought you had to have someone else (even the person you are obsessing over now).

Paradoxically, accepting this truth could be the very thing that enables you to relax enough to re-examine your relationship with your ex-lover and see it’s real value. You may choose to re-kindle the flame with your ex. Lots of people do.

Here’s the key: You have to be okay with whatever comes. Getting your ex back or moving on with your life. You’re not doomed to loneliness if you don’t get back with your ex.