Have you had a relationship break-up recently? Are you hurting so much it feels like the world has ended? The pain of a broken heart and a shattered dream is intense. It can be both physical and emotional. When the person you love says he/she doesn’t want to be with you any more, it feels like your life has ended.

You may be saying to yourself, “I can’t live without him (or her),” and the pain may be so intense that you feel like you are going to die. Or your sorrow may run so deep that you don’t want to keep on going; it may feel like it would be easier just to end it all. Books and movies are filled with star-crossed lovers who committed suicide because of a broken heart.

But before you write your farewell note, just remember the proverb: “This, too, shall pass.” Abraham Lincoln quoted this line during the dark days of the American Civil War to inspire war-weary citizens with hope and endurance. It was true then, and it is true today, too.

It’s a myth that you cannot live without the person you love, whether he/she has died or abandoned you. It’s not pleasant, it’s not fun, but it’s also not fatal. The pain will never go away completely, but with time it will subside.

It’s a myth that you cannot find someone else to love and care for or that you cannot find meaning and purpose in a life on your own. Sunny skies always return after dreary dark days of rain and storm.

Here’s another thing to remember, too: Many people have gotten back together with a person who broke up with them, even when it seemed impossible. There is hope for your dream being reborn after it died.

But all that is hope you can hold on to for the future. You may be saying,”I’m in the middle of this break-up and I don’t feel like I can carry on without the one I love.” What can you do here-and-now to get through these dark days? Here are some concrete suggestions. These are all things that I did after relationship break-ups (including the last one on the list).

• Talk to someone you trust to respect your feelings. It’s amazing how much  it can help just to confide in someone else and get their support and encouragement. The right person will just listen without offering advice or trying to fix your problems. Be firm and tel them what you need if they start problem-solving instead of listening.
• Keep a journal or diary. Just put your emotions into words any way you can. You need not share these writings with anyone if you don’t want to.
• Listen to sad songs or watch tear-jerker movies about people who have lost a love. They don’t have to have a happy ending–often the best songs or movies help you feel the pain that words alone cannot express. I have placed videos and lyrics of classic heartbreak songs by Elvis Presley, B.J. Thomas, Neil Sedaka and others here on this blog. If your taste is more contemporary, check out YouTube, where you can find modern sad songs songs by Britney Spears, Pink, and others.
• Express your feelings creatively. Write songs, poems, or short stories about how it feels to lose a love. Make a collage or video with images and songs or music that help you express your feelings about your relationship breakup.
• Spend time with family and friends doing something you enjoy. Avoid the temptation to pull away from your friends and meaningful activities. Go to parties, volunteer for a cause you believe in, or take walks in the park. Your life can still have joy and purpose even without the one you love.
• Seek professional help if the you have thoughts of suicide or warning signs of clinical depression. Psychotherapy may help get you through a tough time. Find a therapist you can trust and get help if you need it. Don’t know how to find the right person? Read Choosing theRight Mental Health Therapist to get started.

Here’s to you learning that you can live without the one you love, no matter how much you love him/her or how much you are hurting now. Don’t succumb to the myth that you can’t.

With love,

Baby come Back by Player from 1977 expresses the pain and loneliness of a broken heart perfectly. The obsessive thoughts of being with the one who broke up with you, doing everything you can do forget and not succeeding, and pleading with your ex to come back, again unsuccessfully.

The line Baby come back, you can blame it all on meis especially poignant. It illustrates the mistake many people who long to reconcile with their ex make–apologizing profusely and taking all the blame. Resist the urge to do this if you want to get back with your ex; it may seem like a good idea at the time, but it’s a huge mistake, according to T. W. Jackson, author of The Magic of Making up..

The line Any fool could see that there was something in everything about you suggests that the person begging their ex to come back may have been the one to break off the relationship. It’s not always the person who was dumped who wants to get back with their ex.

This song may make it sound like trying to reconcile with your ex is hopeless. I liked to listen to it when I felt like I could never get back with my ex-girlfriend. It’s okay to feel this feeling, even embrace it and own it, but don’t believe it. Just remember, hope lives!

The Video: “Baby Come Back” by Player

The Lyrics: “Baby Come Back” by Player

Spending all my nights,
All my money going out on the town
Doing anything just to get you off of my mind
But when the morning comes,
I’m right back where I started again
Trying to forget you is just a waste of time

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

All day long, wearing a mask of false bravado
Trying to keep up the smile that hides a tear
But as the sun goes down, I get that empty feeling again
How I wish to God that you were here

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

Now that I put it all together
Give me the chance to make you see
Have you used up all the love in your heart
Nothing left for me, ain’t there nothing left for me

Baby come back, any kind of fool could see
There was something in everything about you
Baby come back, you can blame it all on me
I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you

It’s terrible. You’ve had a relationship break-up, and you just can’t get your ex out of your mind. Everything you see or hear reminds you of your lost love. You’re not alone. This is a very common reaction when you’ve been dumped.

You may think you can just quit thinking about your ex, that if you only had enough willpower you’d be able to stop obsessing. Lev Ylimaz captures this myth in one of his Tales of Mere Existence (click on play button to see video).

Video: “I’m Not Going to Think about Her” by Lev Yilmaz

Pure and simple, telling yourself you’re not going to think about your ex won’t keep you from thinking about yur ex.

Infatuation vs. Healthy Love

And it doesn’t prove you love the other person, either. Don’t get me wrong–if you think about someone constantly, you may love them. Or you may just be infatuated, and the feeling won’t last. What I’m saying is that this is not how you tell if you are in love. If your obsession with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend leads you to spy on them, stalk them, or harass them, these are not signs of a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships are marked by trust, respect, and a desire for the best for the other person. Thinking about your ex all the time doesn’t demonstrate these healthy qualities, in itself.

After your relationship break-up I bet your friends and family told you to “forget her and move on with your life.” Easier said than done! Maybe the break-up was a good thing, and you should learn from the experience and be better able to create a new, healthy relationship with someone else. But maybe there was some real caring between the two of you, and the relationship is worth saving. Many, many strong, healthy relationships have had rocky places, yet the couple made it through them. Just don’t be fooled into thinking that your strong feelings prove anything, in and of themselves. Dig deeper, and examine what attracted you to the other in the first place. The attraction that brought you together can bring you back together.